About 2 months ago I was told that my body was no longer able to handle intravenous treatments.
For that time period I had managed to give my body a break from treating the Lyme, focus on going as organic as possible, and try to get a few other infections under control on top of my hectic daily schedule.
4 days ago I started the Cowden Protocol.
http://www.nutramedix.ec/ns/lyme-protocol
(The site is for those of you…. ‘probably most of you’… who are unfamiliar with it)
To sum it up (because surely you’re too lazy to even skim through the site I provided you with, and quite frankly I don’t blame you) it’s basically a form of alternative treatment.. I have different infused supplements that come in little glass bottles with droppers attached. 30 minutes before breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bed, I’m given instructions of how many drops of whatever supplements to take.
The first few days were simple. Easy detoxing minerals and I wasn’t really feeling any different other than my usual headaches and brain fog.. to be expected I suppose..
But today…. Today is a horse of a different color. To be honest I’m feeling so messed up in the head that I can’t even gather the words to explain how I’m truly feeling. My mind is like a gazillion jigsaw puzzle pieces all from different puzzles and hopeless to ever even fit together HAHA.… and my legs. Oh Lordy. My freakin’ legs. Someone chop them off. NOW!!
It feels as though I’ve been running a marathon while pulling a bus.
Yeah.. my legs are pretty much rubbery sticks of jello at this point. They are making me absolutely miserable.
This, my friends, is a hopeful sign of a herx.. And I say hopeful in that herxing would mean that this treatment is at least curing my skepticism of this whole alternative method of treating me. What I’m worried about is not being able to handle treatment once again.. Then again, what use is worrying about something you have no control over? We’ll just have to wait and see.
I love how I feel like I’m having a conversation with myself while writing this…
Ohh… Lyme brain….
What’s actually been the real challenge lately is gathering the strength to suck up my emotions and be a MOM. And by mom I don’t mean kissing the boo-boo’s on the child’s knees when they fall on the gravel… I mean addressing the fact that my daughter, Autumn, has an Autism Spectrum Disorder… and seeking help for her. Unless you’ve been in these shoes, you cannot imagine the feeling in the pit of your stomach when all of your inside thoughts that maybe your child was “different” are being told to you by her preschool teacher out loud.
To hear that my daughter doesn’t enjoy playing with other children..
If I wouldn’t have suspected that my daughter was half genius, yet extremely socially awkward BEFORE the comment from her teachers..I probably would have immediately thought to blame the kids of her class.. But I walk in and see these kids each morning and each afternoon. They run up and hug Autumn every morning, welcoming her to the classroom, and wave goodbye to me as I leave. They tell her goodbye in the afternoon when I pick her up or try to help her clean up the toys she was playing with.
They smile and try to hold her hand, or fight over who can sit next to my Autumn.
These sweet little 2 and 3 year olds adore my daughter as I know she secretly adores them…. If she could only express it as they are able..
No. It’s not those kids. It’s MY kid.
It’s MY kid who is the reason why she plays alone and doesn’t join in on group activities. She can’t. She doesn’t know how.
My daughter…. The one who just stands there when we walk into her preschool in the morning… with the most frightened look on her face as she stares at her empty seat awaiting her around all of the other kids.. As she views the fact that she’s going to be forced to socialize. The best way I can describe the look is that of someone who is standing in front of a huge crowd and is about to give the biggest speech of their lives. I look into that face.. That expression… Every day I leave her there. And it kills me.
To see my sweet little girl break down and cry at home because she can’t understand her own feelings. Or is frustrated that I cannot relate to how she is feeling AT ALL. The world is ending. The world is crashing down. But wouldn’t yours crash down too if everyone just looked at you as though you were crazy when you’re the one who thinks they’re off their rockers?? Because that’s how she views US. Because her little brain is wired differently.
And not only her. But her father has this too. To know that she inherited this from him. I not only want to understand her, but I want to understand him as well. Two people that I love and care about confuse me more than anything I have dealt with. Even more so than Lyme Disease. I cannot relate to them and the way that they see the world, but I can only grow through the counseling and therapy that I’ll go through with Autumn to help me to be more UNDERSTANDING of it. I don’t have to “get why”… I just have to know that in her mind, or even his (her dad’s) mind for that matter, it makes sense. Even if it will never make sense to me.
And to see my son line things up perfectly across the room…. And for him to be over 14 months old and not speak… Sometimes it has me wondering if he is effected too…. Maybe he is.. Though, he seems far too sociable and his developmental milestones are more on track rather than being way behind in one thing and way advanced in another. Time will tell. We will see. As of now its just taking this one step at a time with Autumn. And in June, getting her retested for Lyme + Co Infections.
So for those of you who have wondered where I’ve been….
My answer to you is…. I’ve got my plate filed sky high and it looks like I’ll be busy for a while. But that’s what makes life so very interesting. ;)
