10-13-2012


The rage.

You never understand the rage until you’re in it.

It begins with a rush. It’s like warm brain freeze that turns into a dull continuous headache.

My mind feels disconnected to my surroundings. I care less about the things that were important nearly 15 minutes ago.

Then there’s the rage.

The ever so infamous rage.

Everything matters. Nothing matters. I feel as though I’m drowning in my emotions. I cannot sympathize. Self worth is nonexistent.

At that moment I want to disappear from my existence. I start to disappear….. I’m gone.

I’m now an emotionless machine. My soul has disconnected from my body and I’m watching as my body fights for survival against the swelling of my own brain. My actions are a result of neural excitability… electrical impulses that are sending mixed signals to different parts of my brain. I don’t know how to act or how to feel. Everything is purely robotic. It’s like watching an angry baby scream and cry because they can’t yet tell you what they want/need.. they can only communicate by screaming.

When you have neurological Lyme, you’re forced to pretty much live in survival mode. You’re forced not to care or even think about certain stressful situations. To fade out. Your infected mind cannot handle it.

So when I tell you that “I’m half there today.” I’m not hinting to you that I didn’t get enough sleep that night and missed my morning cup of coffee. I am completely serious. My mind is only willing to work at half of its regularly working potential. Half of my brain is forced to ignore what is going on in the outside world….. to ignore any current surroundings because it is fighting for my life.. It is fighting an infection that has been taking over my body for 20 years.

I wish that I could show you what it feels like. I wish that I could help you to understand this part of what we go through with chronic neurological Lyme. But this is just one of the many silent sufferings we have to endure. One that cannot be seen by the naked eye.


And the only two words I can leave you with are: brain dead.